The Cat Clock There are two friends at a bar late one night. One holds a cat everywhere he goes, he never wears a watch. The friend finally asks him, "What's with the cat?" The man responds, "I use it to tell time." As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend, puzzled, "So how does it tell time?" The man gives the cat a hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow, very loud. Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell, "What's with all the racket? It's one in the morning!!!"

Doctor's Orders A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life"? "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

Actual Label Instructions In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on

consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -

REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink -

AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -

TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.

(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY  5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -

OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sun Maid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -

FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)